


my tears ricochet

by AKAWWJJD



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Identity Reveal, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, be warned, can you tell that I'm still not over these two?, like crazy enough to crank this out in an hour and even crazier enough to post it, listened to some music and went a little crazy, no closure in this one, when i tell you that this is JUST angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:00:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28002792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AKAWWJJD/pseuds/AKAWWJJD
Summary: She’d spent all of these months planning out how this would go— thinking about how it would happen, dreaming about how it would end. She’d known it would be brutal. That it would sting. That once she did it, something insurmountable and vast would rise up between her and the life she’d made for herself here in National City. Lena had known that once she did this, it would hurt.To make herself feel better, she’d reasoned that it couldn’t hurt worse than what her heart had already been through. What’s one more bruise on something that’s already been beaten and bloodied beyond the point of recognition?AKA, after their fight, Lena reflects on what she's done and what she's lost.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 5
Kudos: 56





	my tears ricochet

**Author's Note:**

> hey! so this is very different from what I usually do. as evidenced by my two other fics, long and rambling is definitely more my style, but in all honesty, I have been in a bit of a rut lately with writing and I just wanted to put something out there to prove to myself that I can still do it. plus, Taylor Swift is dropping an album tonight and you know there's bound to be some new Supercorp fodder in those songs. 
> 
> anyway, enjoy! kudos and comments are always appreciated, and if you are new to my writing and like it, feel free to check out what else I've written!

_you turned into your worst fears_

_and you're tossing out blame_

_drunk on this pain_

_crossing out the good years_

_and you're cursing my name_

_(but you’re wishing I stayed.)_

… 

Lena should have known it would turn out this way.

After all, she’d spent all of these months planning out how this would go— thinking about how it would happen, dreaming about how it would end. She’d known it would be brutal. That it would sting. That once she did it, something insurmountable and vast would rise up between her and the life she’d made for herself here in National City. Lena had known that once she did this, it would hurt.

To make herself feel better, she’d reasoned that it couldn’t hurt worse than what her heart had already been through. What’s one more bruise on something that’s already been beaten and bloodied beyond the point of recognition?

So, Lena had known Kara would believe her when she’d promised her that she was forgiven. Kara was a creature of desperation with a savior complex at heart, in the end, and Lena knew how to exploit that. It had been logical to count on the fact that Kara would trip over herself in her attempts to make things right with Lena, and that would involve crossing lines that hadn’t been crossed before— whether that be breaking into government facilities to grab Lex’s classified journals, or inviting Lena on a trip to the Fortress of Solitude. 

Lena had watched it all happen and remained unmoved. She’d seen the gentle, fragile hope in Kara’s eyes every time they talked, and removed herself from the possibility of feeling the same. This wasn’t an earnest attempt at rekindling a relationship, Lena knew. These were Kara’s best efforts to not lose control of the lies she’d balanced everything on top of. This is Kara keeping up the act, and maintaining the disguise, even if she had to rewrite the script, and Lena— Lena chose to save herself the trouble and not get sucked back into the black hole that was Kara Danvers.

She tightened her jaw instead whenever Kara sent her a carefree smile, grit her teeth, and tried not to scream whenever Kara acted like things were okay even when that couldn’t be further from the truth, because Lena had a plan. Lena had a plan and it was a good one, and damn her if she was going to let any errant feelings of heartbreak ruin it.

And it would be worth it. It would be worth it because Kara is going to _hurt_ when things were all said and done, when Lena finally got the satisfaction of telling her what really happened. Lena wasn’t used to lying, not to Kara, but she relishes in it now, just as she relishes in every flicker of doubt that finds its home on Kara’s face. It’ll make it that much sweeter when Kara realizes that this time around, she’s the one being deceived. Nothing would kill Kara more than her having to kill what’s left of her hope that she’s placed in Lena and what they used to have. Lena knows this better than she knows her own self, because this is about Kara, and once upon a time, Kara meant the world to her.

If nothing else, Lena knows how to tear Kara apart from the inside out, because isn’t that what friends are for? 

But those things don’t matter now, because nothing could have prepared Lena for what actually happened. No amount of strategizing or precaution could have tempered the way Lena screamed at Kara in the Fortress or prevented her shuddering and shaking as she nearly fired at Kara with Lex’s kryptonite weaponry— nothing Lena could have rehearsed would have prepared her for the gnarled, twisted mess of thorns that came to rest in her stomach after she trapped Kara with kryptonite of her own.

She’d told Kara she wasn’t a villain. That she was good, and she always had been, and she didn’t deserve to be treated as anything otherwise. But what she’d said, what she’d _done…_ Lena knows that it would bring nothing but misery, to herself and others. She’d seen it in the dull, teary blue of Kara’s eyes, who Lena had never seen look so hopeless, and she’d seen it in Alex’s cold stare when she walked free out of Mount Norquay, Eve taking the blame and leaving Lena free to do it all over again. 

If she’s really honest with herself, Lena had seen it painted all over her brother’s face, even as he bled out. There had been a certainty to his words that Lena had never had about anything, like Lex knew what this would do to her— like he knew what this would make her become. 

There is nothing good about who she is right now, and maybe there never had been. Maybe Lena has been lying to herself this whole time, futilely attempting to prove that she was different, that she was better, that she deserved saving from the darkness that surrounds her family. 

Maybe, Lena has been what she feared the most this entire time.

It isn’t about Non Nocere, and it never really had been. Lena gains the courage to admit that to herself sometime around the fourth glass of whatever alcohol she’d blindly poured into her glass after getting escorted home by the FBI on numb feet and with trembling hands. It isn’t about Non Nocere, because if it had been, Lena would be drinking away her guilt about failing the people she’d thought she’d wanted to help so much.

But that isn’t what she’s drunk on. Lena won’t admit to herself exactly what it is she’s drinking about, but she knows it has very little to do with Q-Waves or Myriad and everything to do with her sunken heart and the framed picture she has in her hands.

(It’s about Kara. It’s always been about Kara, but Lena doesn’t have the conviction or the grace to yield under the force of that realization yet.)

Lena takes another long drink and glances back down at the picture. She hates what she sees, resents herself for looking so blissfully happy only a few short years ago. That Lena of the past should have known what was coming, just as she should have. She should have realized that Kara Danvers had always been too good to be true— too kind, too gentle, too unrelentingly steady in her love for Lena. And as much as she hates Kara for that, Lena hates herself for falling for it so easily. Kara had hooked her and reeled her in with a confident ease that Lena hadn’t minded. Lena hadn’t minded being brought in closer and closer because it was Kara on the other end of the line, after all— and what could Kara ever do to her?

Lex had been right. Lena’s always been a fool, especially for love. The worst part is that Lena knows deep down that Kara Danvers won’t be something to recover from. This mistake is fatal. This bump in the road is more of a chasm, and Lena’s fallen too far down it to ever reach the surface. 

(And she may be drunk, may be tossing out excuses and blame in an attempt to hide from the truth of it all, but Lena knows two things: Kara Danvers broke her heart in way that Lena doesn’t think best friends are capable of, and if she had a choice, Lena would probably do it all over again, just for a sliver of what she’d lost.)

When she sets the picture back down carefully on her desk, wiping away the dust and taking care not to cover up Kara’s face, Lena’s facade slips for just a moment. The mask that she’d been wearing even to herself cracks down the middle, and briefly— so, so briefly— Lena grasps the enormity of what she’s just done. Lena understands the enormity of what she’s lost.

She stares out into the night sky, looks out over the city skyline, and searches for a familiar blur, listens carefully for a rustling cape or two solid feet landing on concrete. Lena has always seen Kara and National City together, seen flashes of Kara’s smile in the streetlights below, her laugh in the steady thrum of the traffic— the blue of her eyes in the stars above, but now this habit is quickly becoming unbearable. She casts her gaze in the direction of Kara’s apartment and wonders what the person she used to hold dearest to her heart is doing now. Lena wonders if after what she did, Kara’s eyes will ever regain their brightness. 

Later, she’ll blame it on her drunkenness, on the fog that’s lowered a veil over her mind and heart, but right now, Lena wonders if Kara misses her too.

There’s nothing Lena has left but to wish, bitterly and without hope. Kara has taken what was left of that long ago, but Lena knows that she has too. Still, Lena wishes for some relief, for a second chance, for some peace. She wishes for quite a lot of things. She wishes for things that she knows she won’t ever get.

Most of all, Lena wishes, more than anything, that she had given Kara a reason to stay. Or, even if she hadn’t, that Kara would have stayed despite it all. 


End file.
